studiotwentysix2 the art + design of tom davie

Friday, April 6, 2007

Google Search, Part 1

While in the mood for artistic inspiration, I journeyed over to Google to see what treasures await me. I began the search with clever descriptors like “art” and “good art”, looking for an image that might strike my fancy. Overwhelmingly unimpressed with the results, I continued to click through fourteen pages of mediocrity before boredom set in. To up the ante, I typed in “crappy art” curious to know if the art would in fact be “crappy”. Let me state for the record that I would never call any art “crappy”, however, that does not prevent me from invoking a seldom used moral loophole which enables me to comment on work which has already been labeled as such. Whew, how’s that for a lawyer-esque sounding sentence? With said moral loophole invoked, I picked one item to discuss from each of the following searches: “crappy art”, “really crappy art”, “super crappy art” and “unbelievably crappy art”. Here we go…

Google Search: “crappy art”




From a technical standpoint I would not consider this piece crappy, it seems to be adequately rendered, not great, but certainly not bad. From a concept and content standpoint, let me just say, C to the R to the APPY. I’ll openly admit I’m not a fan of fantasy art. I hate to be stereotypical, but every time I see a piece like this, I’m convinced the artist is a male between the ages of 15 and 38. I visualize someone who has an overabundance of body hair, loves any television show with the words “Trek” or “Slayer” in the title, is moderately overweight and a heavy breather. I understand that most artists work with subjects they feel passionate about, but every once in a while this guy should put down the gallon of peanut butter and economy-size hand lotion, take a shower, and go outside to meet an actual breathing girl. Breathing girls are totally more responsive, and typically more fun than their paper girl counterparts, but I digress, back to the art.

Aside from the aforementioned content, I have three remaining issues with the piece. First, what is going on with the shoes? I don’t want to come across as a shoe snob, but apparently during a heavy breathing episode, the artist forgot to include any type of heel. Note: Stiletto’s are sexy, they have a heel, and they will only occasionally break an ankle, as opposed to these solid gold shoes that are an emergency-room-in-waiting. Remember, sexy and functionality can co-exist, next time think futuristic Victoria’s Secret. You know, that catalog you “borrow” from your Mom, and either never return or return in very “used” condition.

Second, sculpted bodies can be a turn-on, but I think very few women, or men for that matter, are looking for someone who’s calves are thicker than their thighs. Unless your fantasy involves a woman who’s calves are capable of winning the Tour de France, you might want to use some restraint in this area. You know, just a little food for thought.

Third, and most importantly, what in the name of juvenile-fantasies is hanging in between this woman’s legs? Is that your little love hammock? Perhaps a personal pleasure swing? A place where you can curl-up, enjoy the view, and know that all is right in the world?

You know, after careful consideration I recant my earlier advice. It’s probably better for everyone if you stick to the peanut butter, your DVD collection of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and your assortment of paper girls. I know you might find this odd, but sometimes breathing girls won’t want to dress-up in Egyptian outfits consisting of golden helmets, breastplates and mini skirts. I realize that dress-up is fun, but you better have Plan B ready to occupy the other 99.999 percent of your time with the breathing girl.

Final Verdict: After much mental deliberation, I hesitantly concur with the “crappy art” label. The reasoning can be summed up in two words “crotch swing” — it haunts me like the plague.

Note: At this point, you are probably disgusted with me, or all geeked-up for some “really crappy art”, “super crappy art” or “unbelievably crappy art”. However, due to the sheer mass of writing, this post will be broken into four parts. Over the next two weeks, the remaining installments of “crappy” art will be revealed. I apologize if this irks you, but I don’t want to get in the habit of posting novels — for your sake and mine.

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